How To End A Sh*t Date
By Indy Sanghera
We’ve all done it. We’ve all got rat-arsed one night, taken the number of a girl we’re convinced is fit and arranged to meet them only to be greeted by what looks like a used toilet brush from the men’s lavatories at Tiger Tiger.
If you find yourself in that uncompromising position, rather than sit there and suffer in silence like a good man, here are my top five tips on how to get the hell outta dodge!
That’s right just leave. Take your bag and your coat, tell her you’re going to get a round of drinks in, and never come back. By the time she realises you’ll be well gone.
Harsh I hear some of you girls sneer at the screen?!
Not so – when fumbling her number into your phone, and slur-dribbling over your keypad that night, the girl must surely have been wise to your rancid, drunken state, so in a way she took advantage of you.
P.S. If she asks why you’re taking your belongings to the bar, simply tell her you don’t trust her. Sowing seeds of doubt in her mind will only soften the blow when you haven’t returned in an hour.
2. Phone a friend
Or rather have a friend phone you. You’ve carried out due diligence and tried to figure out what this girl looks like on Facebook. But gee whizz those privacy settings mean you’re going to have to chief this and hope she’s not the aforementioned toilet brush.
If ever you’re in doubt as to the aesthetic qualities this girl has, it’s recommended to have a friend strategically call you ten minutes into the date, so if all goes Pete Tong, you’ve got the exit planned and peppered.
‘What’s that? Uncle Davinder’s in prison? I’m the only one who can bail him out? Ok I’ll be right there. That dirty peado!’
3. Strategic Poo
No girl can be attracted to a man who poos in a public toilet on a first date surely? Do your best to be as utterly repulsive as you can.
Putting off a girl can be hard for some of us. We hold a natural charm that permeates even the poo-iest of obstacles. But for most of you, this tip will do just the trick.
Of course you don’t have to actually poo. But spend a liberal amount of time in the men’s, tweeting, Facebooking, heck even masturbating seventeen or eighteen times. Then casually return to the table adjusting awkwardly in your seat, and make a point of telling her how your endeavours went.
‘Sit round my children and let me tell ye a tale.’
4. Talk about your family
Not your mum and dad, rather your wife and kids.
If the girl’s the kinda girl who digs that, then you might have just made yourself irresistible. In which case refer to points 1, 2 and 3 above. Alternatively this will have the ol’ bag running for her life, and maybe, just maybe utilising points 1, 2 or 3 herself.
‘But where’s your wedding ring?’ she cries. To which your instant riposte must be along the lines of, ‘I sold it along with my third child, so I could go on a lad’s holiday exploring Europe’s brothels.’
Who’s a lucky boy then?! Woof.
5. Get pissed (again)
If you lack the man genes for any of the above, the only resort remaining is that of an alcohol induced coma!
Objective? Get pissed to the point you begin fancying her again. Chances are that level’s so deep, you won’t be conscious enough to know when that time even comes. But in desperate need of a pick-me-up, don’t let a small thing like liver failure get in the way.
So just keep drinking and leave the thinking where it belongs – in your pants!