By Indy Sanghera@ThatIndian_guy
For whatever reason, you’re determined you’d like to try your hand at online dating, where you can create an alternative persona to help cherry-pick girls at will and have your wicked way with them, you dirty fiend!
We’ve all done it at some stage. I learnt very quickly in a small space of time what lurked beneath the muddy waters and got the f**k out.
For some of you, those harsh lessons are yet to be learnt - but with my guide below, I can help you to avoid those traps all too common in the world of online dating.
The Career Girl
She’s spent her life pursuing a career to the detriment of her love life. Now shit’s hit the fan, her niece is getting married next year and her little sister is taking her grandkids to the park. As she ages, she realises the emptiness in her soul cannot, in fact, be filled by the satisfaction of hitting her work deadlines and exceeding her targets.
So to online dating she goes, in search of her Prince Charming. But her determined, career-minded ways aren’t conducive to the world of online merriment. She treats each interaction like a job interview, critically analysing each message, sifting for flaws and phishing for excuses to get out and move on to the next poor sap.
Career-minded girls can be seen across various sites and often spend years trawling for men. Recent studies have shown career-minded girls have interacted with approximately 56% of the nation’s men. None of them deemed worthy enough for a relationship.
The False Princess
She’s had a thousand messages from a thousand men.
So they’ve copied and pasted that same message to a thousand other girls - why let that detail get in the way of her new found confidence? Her whole life she’s been marginalised to fill the vacancy of the ugly friend, the fat sister, the face not even a mother could love, or a daddy could slap.
Not now. Now her bulging inbox has morphed her into a Bollywood princess and an attitude to match. She will rebuff your attempts to engage; insistent she can go one better and find herself a stallion. Ignore her and move on – she’s destined for a life of misery clouded by an artificially acquired ego.
The Friend of the friend ...of the friend of the friend of the friend
You message her. PING. She messages back. Or does she?
You read the stanzas of toxic rhetoric, not from the girl in question, rather her friend, whose altruistic nature has prompted her to do all of the hard graft on the subject’s behalf.
But she does more harm than good. What does this say about the subject who needs a man? Not a lot it would seem. We don’t like girls who can’t be tossed to make a bit of effort do we? Maybe she’s illiterate, or not keyboard savvy.
Either way this roundabout means of garnishing love upon her friend only poses more questions than they answer. If I wanted to enter into a third party contract with a girl to get a girl, I’d have an arranged f**king marriage.
The Flashlight Girl
It’s her big night – it’s 'selfie' picture night. This girl has been thinking about this night for a while. She’s collected the lamps from around the house, strategically placed them and clicks away.
She looks fit but so would an AIDS ridden kangaroo with enough light beamed on its face, the power sufficient to fuel the Starship Enterprise. You do your best to look past the bright white photo and using all your detective skills, try to decipher just how fit this girl is.
But you’re only as good as your guess. You ignore all of your common sense faculties and take the plunge, telling yourself there’s a chance she might be a cracker – you only have yourself to blame for the horrors that await.
The girl’s parents have since remortgaged their house to pay the electricity bills.
The Fake Profile
Don’t ask me why these exist but they do. They’re easy to spot for somebody like me, because the profile picture is usually a porn star, and I know the name of just about every porn star going …and their measurements …and their favourite foods …and their turn-on’s …and and and ...you get the point.
I digress. Either created by a school kid looking for cheap thrills, or a psycho girlfriend trying to honey trap her man, just use your two brain cells and avoid!
It’s not all doom and gloom. Somewhere there’s a girl who combines looks, intelligence, charm and confidence. Good luck finding her ‘cos she’s probably been snapped up in real life by a real human being and not in this pseudo-dating reality.
Oh no wait sorry …I was wrong. For most of you it is all doom and gloom!
Good luck and god speed!