By Indy Sanghera
And as another summer descends into autumn, men everywhere are again asking that elusive question; what if? What if I had that body I’ve been yearning for? What if I was sexy enough to have pulled some level eight girls, instead of settling for level fives? What if I wasn’t such a repulsive, fat git made worse by the fact that I’m Indian and caked in a veil of thick, black, bushy hair?
It’s not gone unnoticed guys, you’re looking like shit. Another year has now passed, and alas that elusive six pack you promised yourself last summer, is lost underneath swathes of curry and alcohol. But you’ve done eighty two sit-ups since your Christmas blow out – surely that merits an abdominal or two?
Not so. In fact acquiring that body you’re never going to get is a combination of an excruciatingly disciplined diet, a well thought out and executed workout routine, and an ability to drop the delusion that clouds your day-to-day life.
But don’t let that get you down; I know you’ve already got one eye on next summer.
Much like a deluded football fan at the start of every season, you tell yourself this year will be the year. No longer will you daydream of walking along Ibiza beach cut like a shark, whilst women drop their knickers and chase after you. This will become a reality. Yes, your reality.
To the ladies out there, sadly ’tis true, men’s fantasies are akin to a bad Lynx advert.
So to the gym you shall go men, but not before you’ve heeded some questionable advice from That Indian Guy:
1. Don’t look like a twat
This might be too difficult for some of you to accomplish. In that case you’ve fallen at the first hurdle. Cease reading now. Go home and live the rest of your life in mediocrity.
To the rest of you – you might wonder what this has got to do with working out. As it turns out not much, it’s just a pet peeve of mine. Ever since I saw an Indian chap with man breasts on a treadmill, complete WITH weight lifting gloves, this has manifested into an irrational hatred of mine. But I digress…
2. Have a workout routine BEFORE you get to the gym
There’s nothing more uncomfortable than watching a guy milling around various machines, trying to figure out if he has the testicular fortitude to take them on. Instead he decides to go over to a wall, do a few token stretches, and sharply exit the gym, head hanging low, tail between his legs, the shame and anxiety all too much to bear.
Think about what you want to achieve, research some decent workout routines and go from there.
A blank head is a shit workout? Sod it, that’ll have to do.
3. Change your workouts
You’ve figured out how to bicep curl and bench press. Whoopee doo…the Popeye look is so 80’s. For an all-round workout that gives you proportion, attack all body parts crucially the back, legs and core.
And surprise your muscles. No don’t shove a finger up the bum during sex, rather change the workouts. Muscles get used to exercises and stagnate. Constantly changing and mixing things up will keep them improving.
4. Got a friend?
Again for some of you this won’t be relevant. Judging by some of the oddities at my gym, it’s clear not everyone is friend material. If you’re one of the lucky ones, take him (or her) with you and bounce off each other.
Not homo-erotically but rather to spot each other and to bear the fruits of each other’s apparent lack of knowledge. Besides if you spot a ‘fitty’, it’s much easier to get your mate to ask for her number than suffer the indignation of her saying ‘no’ to your FAT F*****G FACE!
I think that’s enough for now. This might surprise you, but I’m no expert; I just wanted to remind you of your year-upon-year failure as a man. No doubt much like me, in a year’s time you’ll still go to the movies with a girl, see a Hollywood stallion take off his top to reveal a chiselled torso, and spend the next few months making love in the dark, with your vest on.
See you next year then.